The balderdash word today has really got me going on memories.  Sometimes, I think what has happened to me is that my coping mechanisms have been inadequate and the depression (or reasons for depression) have just weighed heavier and heavier and I've found myself pushed into a corner.  From where I am now, I FORGET that I wasn't ALWAYS like this.  I think depression has insidiously (love that word) distorted my memories to the negative. It's all relative to how much I focus on the negative (quite a lot lately). 

For example - memories of my children - not 'bad' things they may have done, but rather the vague uneasiness I have felt in situations with them - I tend to jump straight to anything that reinforces the thought "I'm a bad parent".  Why doesn't a really GOOD memory jump into my mind first ?? - there are LOTS of them there but I have to work at finding them. 

I think I need to start remembering myself differently - the negative side of me wasn't ALWAYS so predominant.  Maybe I should start with the things I used to enjoy....like my vege garden.  I had a GINORMOUSLY HUGE vege garden and I loved it.  It was a LOT of hard work but I'm sure it was a lot more therapeutic than I have ever given it credit for.  I grew EVERYTHING you could imagine in that garden (well...almost).  We very rarely bought veges.  I pickled my own beetroots, tomatoes, zucchinis, roasted and marinated capsicums and eggplants, made chutneys and sauces, had a bumper year with potatoes once and grew 7 different varieties - they lasted for months and months.  I even did the plaiting and hanging the onions thing - they lasted for months also.  Always had pumpins stored away somewhere.  I used to grow enough corn and peas and beans to freeze for out of season and I had a great asparagus patch just starting when we left.   I used to drive to the old shearing shed in the old rickety ute with no brakes and fill it with sheep poo from under the boards.  We lived in a house set in the bend of a river in among the remnants of a redgum forest.  It was the most beatiful environment.  We used to eat the best  Murray cod from the river until we couldn't bring ourselves to kill them any more because they are such a beautiful fish and we felt sorry for them and guilty...We still eat fish but someone else has to catch and kill them! 

I'm looking forward to putting in a vege patch when we move to our own house BUT .... I don't think I could ever do such a good job again...  What has happened to me??