Feeling a bit down at the moment ... maybe just a combination of things - one of the 'to do' things I actually DID was get my skin checked out.  I had about 15 cancers burnt off my hands and arms which blistered up nicely, had to go back to have two cut off my neck and one from my nose which needed a stitch and I have to see the doc about again when the biopsy results come in.  He thinks it may need more work (?!)  so.....I look like something from a leper colony (no offence to lepers intended) at the moment. 

The balderdash word today has really got me going on memories.  Sometimes, I think what has happened to me is that my coping mechanisms have been inadequate and the depression (or reasons for depression) have just weighed heavier and heavier and I've found myself pushed into a corner.  From where I am now, I FORGET that I wasn't ALWAYS like this.  I think depression has insidiously (love that word) distorted my memories to the negative. It's all relative to how much I focus on the negative (quite a lot lately). 

For example - memories of my children - not 'bad' things they may have done, but rather the vague uneasiness I have felt in situations with them - I tend to jump straight to anything that reinforces the thought "I'm a bad parent".  Why doesn't a really GOOD memory jump into my mind first ?? - there are LOTS of them there but I have to work at finding them. 

I have realised that I have to be careful not to let the 'just do it' thing lead me into the 'busy busy busy' cycle which I have always used as an excuse not to face things - I have perfected to art of being busy with things that help me avoid the things I should REALLY be busy with - like sorting myself out..... aahh...the complexities of the human brain....

I DO have a tendency to expect too much of myself and also to want to solve everything NOW - I forget that this is all ongoing - my journey.....

My first step to avoid th 'busy' trap is to reflect at the end of the day - not on what I HAVEN'T done but on what I HAVE achieved..and maybe think (In a POSITIVE way) of what I can do BETTER tomorrow..

Allowing myself to become a 'glass half full' kind of person......over time...not in one day....

I'll let you know how that goes.....

Tonight my dog's black dog has led him off somewhere and he is nowhere to be found :(  He is a bit confused at the moment ( a bit like me...) .  We are hoping he turns up tomorrow or someone kind finds him and rings me.  It has happened before but I think one day he won't be coming back.  He's a beautiful quiet loving sweet dog and we want him to get better and we want him to COME HOME.

well....I have FINALLY done something about the pool - this weekend is the big cleanup job.  I was telling my husband how frustrating and annoying the pool was to me and he replied "How can that be when you haven't even looked at it for 4 months?"  mmmmm.....he has a point.

The dog started his medication last night.  He actually DOES have a reason to be depressed - a grass seed had pierced his eardrum and he had been in major pain for over 6 months.  We had taken him to various vets about his ear but obviously none had really checked him out properly.    The experience has really unbalanced him.  Off to the pool ...

It is true...  my dog has been diagnosed with a black dog of his own - he is suffering from depression.  Maybe it is catching and I have begun infecting the rest of the family beginning with the pets....  will the guinea-pig be next??? how do you tell if a guinea-pig is suffering from depression??? do they stop eating and lie around all day looking at you with sad eyes?? mmm... not sure how those beady little eyes could ever look sad...

Well....the dog is going on medication.  I never thought I'd be putting a DOG on ant-depressants.  Maybe I should find him a psych???? My life is becoming wierder by the day.

We are buying a house.  I find this idea quite distressing - bit too PERMANENT for me.  We owned a house once before about 16 years ago.  It was the 'dream' house and we were going to be there forever - no more moving .... we were there for 6 months ......  something else came up somewhere else ... we've moved 12 times in 26 years - really moved - as in Mungindi, Northern Territory, Bourke, another town 100km from Broken Hill, among other places - and the most challanging move -  to outback Nigeria. We have always been on the move - now we are buying a house ..... things happen for a reason...do you believe that or not??

Thought I might have a go at an ordinary everyday diary blog.  My track record with keeping a diary is woeful.  I was told the other day (by a fellow cyberspace depression sufferer - heaven forbid that I should talk to anyone in the 'real world' about it...)  how great it was to be able to look back and see how far you've come/changed etc.   I don't have anything to look back on because when I'm going through a low patch (swampy quicksand Gollum sort of stuff) what I do is to DESTROY everything.  I burn or tear up anything I've written - including all the great advice from Louise.  The worse I feel, the more I will destroy until there's nothing relating to that ME left.  Don't know quite why I do that ..... does anyone else do that ???